A Day In The Life Of An Overweight Food Addict

My typical day consists of the following:

•Wake up (begrudgingly)
•Stumble into bathroom
•See reflection in cruel wall of mirrors
•Look to see if there’s an angle where it doesn’t all look so bad
•Realize that it’s become harder to find that angle
•Get in shower
•Mentally acknowledge my weight at least three times, no less than one time during shower
•Get out of shower
•Start process of getting dressed
•Be painfully aware of what size I’m in now while putting on my one pair of jeans that “fit”
•Feel very fat
•Decide I really probably should buy new clothes that suit my body
•Glance at clothes in closet I don’t wear because they either no longer fit or never really did
•Decide I should lose weight so I won’t need to buy new clothes
•Walk back to mirror
•Attempt again to find angle where it doesn’t look all so bad
•Fail/Succeed in finding angle that it doesn’t look all so bad (depending on the day)
•Head to work
•Obsess about what I should eat for breakfast
•Decide on the same oatmeal I have nearly every day
•Think about losing weight (repeat 25-30 times a day)
•Think about how it would probably be easier to decide what to wear every day if my body was smaller
•Notice that I’m the heaviest one at my work (repeat 0-3 times a day)
•Read an article about Beyonce photoshopping a thigh gap into her pictures
•Laugh at the idea of a thigh gap
•Think about the next trip out of town and/or future vacations
•Wonder what restaurants we will visit
•Obsess on what I will have for lunch
•Remind myself once again that my body’s fat content does not determine my worth as a human being and that, for a heavy woman, I look just fine
•Get mad at myself for using “for a heavy woman” as a qualifier
•Get mad at myself for briefly accepting my current weight because I really need to lose weight
•Consider getting into a fitness routine again
•Wish that I wasn’t so heavy when I decide start a new fitness routine again
•Hope I can lose at least 10 pounds soon before I start working out because <insert nonsense here>
•Decide to eat something “good” I have brought with me
•Grab that lunch I brought to work with me / decide “fuck the lunch I brought” and get something else at a nearby convenient store or restaurant
•Eat lunch, feel victorious with healthy choice/annoyed and bloated with less healthy choice
•Glance in the bathroom mirror at work and think, well, that’s not terrible
•Obsess about food the rest of the day
•Depending on lunch choice, feel like an idiot for eating what I ate for the rest of the day and resolve to eat better at dinner tonight
•Obsess more about food and my weight.
•Drive home, obsessing about what I will eat when I get home
•Also obsess about my weight and appearance…but then back to food because I’m starving to death
•Get home, attempt to keep my resolution to eat better for dinner and “beyond that, because tomorrow I will…”
•Go upstairs and change out of work clothes and into comfy pants and a shirt that I wish looked more like yoga clothes on a person who practices yoga’s body
•Go downstairs again
•Obsess about food
•Make dinner/watch husband make dinner/go out for dinner
•Eat dinner while trying to avoid thinking of clever ways to sneak more butter onto dinner
•Eat so much dinner that I feel physically ill
•Dwell on the fact that I can’t make myself stop eating before I feel physically ill
•Seriously consider gastric bypass and decide to call the doctor the following day
•Grab a piece of bread with butter because why not
•Feel bad about that
•Eat it anyway
•Watch TV
•Be acutely of everyone’s weight on TV
•Wonder what else there is in the house for me to eat
•Decide not to eat/Decide to sneak another snack in
•Get ready for bed
•Check myself out in the mirror again, fail to find angle where it all looks alright.
•Feel fat
•Decide that I’m really going to do something about this starting tomorrow
•Go to sleep
•Wake up


food addict

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