Bathroom Etiquette For Women



Let me start by saying, this is a generalization – and obviously it doesn’t apply to everyone, as I know many women who are so tidy and well-behaved that I suspect you could put a lump of coal up their ass and it would come cruisin back out as the goddamned Hope Diamond.



Grown women.




I’m talking about in public restrooms. And by public restroom, I mean any lavatory outside your home that other people might need to use after you have decimated it.

Now, I hear ALL  the time that men’s bathrooms are gross.  Hell, I know this first hand. Most of my friends were and still are boys – their bathrooms do smell like pee-pants more often than not.

When I worked at Dairy Queen in high school, one of the nights I had to clean bathrooms, I nearly QUIT because the men’s bathroom was so bad.  Fortunately my boss handled it, and I carried on with my illustrious career making Dilly Bars for a little while longer.

But, women, seriously man, wtf? Aren’t you supposed to be cleaner, nicer smelling, etc etc… “in general” ? You hear it all the time, “Oh, no wonder this room is such a mess, it’s inhabited by MEN!” …a sentence I hear uttered on the regular by women who clearly dislike the men in their lives.

If men are the pigs, why is it that, on a way too frequent basis, do I find shit like the following in women’s restrooms:

1.) The counters that surround the sinks SOAKED with water

Were rabid, bath-salt sniffing ducks allowed in the bathroom? Did the faucets go postal when I wasn’t looking? Why is this necessary? I can’t set my bag or purse down on the counter because three gallons of water are pooled up around the shiny porcelain thing that has the DRAIN.

2.) Paper towels all over the counter and on the floor around the garbage can – that is conveniently placed right under the paper towel dispenser.

Why? Seriously….the garbage is RIGHT FUCKING THERE!  IT’S RIGHT THERE!

3.) Toilet paper squares, sheets, etc. all over the floor in the stalls.

What happened…was it THAT complicated? It’s Potty Training 101, man. Toilet paper: It goes on the ass, then in the toilet.

4.) SNOT on the stall walls.

See that toilet paper on the floor? Seriously, pick that shit up and use it if the stuff in the dispenser a whole one foot away from your thigh was too difficult for you to deal with. Are you four years old? Really, who does this?? It’s especially cool when it has a scab attached to it. THAT’S MY BEST FAVORITE.  Especially right before lunch. *claps wildly*

5.) Toilet Seat Guards left on the toilet seat.

Seriously, how fucking selfish ARE YOU, skaaaaaank? You don’t want germs from the icky, icky toilet seat, so you make yourself a little tissue paper nest…but  now I HAVE to call in a hazmat team to remove the moisture absorbing tissue that your pimply ass was just planted upon? COME THE FUCK ON!

6.) Droplets of urine on the toilet seat.

Stop it. Seriously, stop it. Sit down. Pee in the toilet. Then wipe. THEN get up. Are you peeing into a fucking teaspoon?  Peeing into the toilet shouldn’t be a fucking challenge. It’s pretty much lowest on the “we go potty now” difficulty scale. Were you actually dropped on your head once as an infant?

7.) Menstrual blood smeared on the front end of the toilet seat.

Really, THANKS. Thanks for that. If you are on the rag, and you can’t dismount the bowl without smearing your nasty, bloody gash across the seat, could you please take care of that so that I don’t have to lose my lunch??? TURN THE FUCK AROUND. CLEAN UP YOUR BIOHAZARD. Fucking disgusting.

8.) Smears of poop on the BACK end of the toilet seat.

I’m HONESTLY  not sure which is worse…this or the previous. Are you drunk, Becky? Never mind, that doesn’t even excuse it.


There’s more, of course…simple things like flushing the fucking toilet (we learned this when we were 2 or 3 years old if I remember right), using the proper receptacle for your bloody cunt plugs and heavy flow day diapers. I could go on. But I’ll just conclude with saying:


P.S. I hate you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s