Celebrate, Bitches…There Is No War.

santa

Hey…wait a goddamn minute…

I thought we were DONE with this passive aggressive “war on Christmas” boo hoo, “hey guys, you know it’s ok to say Merry Christmas, y’all”, something whiney about political correctness, blah blah blah, baby jesus, etc.

You mean we’re not?

FUCK!  Stop it.

There is no fucking “war on Christmas”.

It’s also ok to say Happy Holidays because, HEY, guess what…there is actually more than one holiday going on this time of year. That’s why they call it the holiday season. So saying “Happy Holidays” has less to do with “not offending someone” and more to do with being inclusive.

Incluuuuuusive.  Say it with me.

The only people who are actually offended if you sweetly say Merry Christmas are assholes. We can’t help those people. They’re not “the war”, they are people we don’t want to know anyway.

You are NOT not going to offend the Muslims with your Christmas tree, even though the teabaggers keep spreading fake stories about so and so ‘Merickan citizen (who is almost always a war veteran…because, you know…) not being able to do something because Obama says we can’t offend the Muslims. That’s not actually happening.

Don’t be a dick. And stop sharing those fucking stories like they’re a thing. They’re not a thing. You look dumb.

Also, maybe if you know someone’s Jewish or Muslim or whatever and doesn’t celebrate the holiday, don’t get all weird, in their face, and sneer “MERRY CHRISTMAS” in a creeper voice and stand back with a “BOOM! Whatchoo gonna do about it?!” gesture, either. If you do that and then wonder why someone gives you a weird look, you’re a fucking moron and you deserve a splintery dreidel in your urethra.

ALSO, if you have twatbrained idea that, because I don’t worship your sky-goblin and that, because my Christmas consists of Santa, Die Hard (best Christmas movie EVER) and copious amounts Hot Buttered Rum, that I am not celebrating “real Christmas”, please…stop now, because I really don’t want to have to do the whole mocking you and tossing out facts about when Jebus’s birthday most likely actually for realsies was, the Pagan origin of what became Christmas, yada yada, and my how German heritage and everything that goes with that slant on Christmas is no less “real” than your bullshit…

If you make mommy have to explain these things (again) to you and how we’re all free to celebrate however we fucking want to, I will hit you over the head with the empty bottle from the wine you have forced me to drink (thank you) in response to the migraine you gave me by being a doofus.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah & Happy Holidays, bitches. I hope Santa, Baby Jebus, Dreidelmonster, Muslim Space-lord (clearly I am an expert in other cultures) are all good to you.

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