Like a lot of women, I found myself wallowing in a pit of despair and self-loathing after my rapist stated that the solid proof that he didn’t rape me is that I was much too fat and disgusting to put his dick into, and that the mere sight of me made his dick soft.
This was devastating. What could make a girl feel worse after a rape?
Obviously, the answer is: Not feeling pretty anymore.
So if you can relate to this on any level, which I’m sure at LEAST 20% of you can according to statistics – and let’s be real, that number would be higher if you only had the balls to come forward to report it (seriously, ladies, what could possibly be stopping you? I mean other than the onslaught of doubt and misogynistic comments from strangers and friends alike that make you feel raped all over and fully ostracized…other than THAT, why?) please read this handy three step process that will help you start feeling as pretty as you felt when you were on the receiving end of unwanted oral, vaginal or rectal penetration.
Step One: Get all clean and sparkly!
For godssakes, bathe. You can’t feel pretty if you’re still covered with your rapists’s bodily fluid, let alone your own blood and tears. Get on into that bathtub and give yourself a good soak in something sexy smelling like a Sex Bomb from LUSH. You want men to notice your scent when you enter a room.
Step Two: Think about growing your hair out and then go for it.
I know your first instinct will be to chop that gorgeous mane off because it clearly attracts attention, you ‘sexy redhead’ or ‘raven-haired beauty’, but don’t. No one is going to think you’re pretty if they think you’re a man-hating dyke, am I right? Forget how he used your tresses as a handle to control you while he violated your body in unspeakable ways. Put that right out of that pretty little head of yours. Rapunzel that shit. Remember: We’re trying to look attractive again. Stay focused.
Step Three: Go on a cleanse!
Yes, I know you bucked up and bathed, but, face it: There’s not enough soap in the world to feel clean again. For this, I recommend the Master Cleanse, that super hardcore one where you do nothing but drink water with lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper and then hate yourself, because let’s be honest, you feel disgusting inside and out and fully unworthy of joy. I truly can’t think of a better diet to pair with your post-rape unattractiveness. Your payoff here will be the maybe not-so-scientifically-accurate knowledge that you will really be cleansing your body of all toxins, which most definitely would include Rohypnol or Ketamine. And, of course, the obvious bonus: You will lose weight! You will no longer be too fat to keep your rapist’s dick hard. Don’t worry about feeling hungry during this cleanse, you have probably completely lost your appetite since your assault anyway. What better time to do this thing?
There are other little things you can do to feel pretty again like:
- Get a makeover! Get into the habit of wearing eye-makeup again – this really shouldn’t even need to be said. Seriously, ladies, have you given up?
- Maybe rid your vehicle of any bumper stickers that could be construed as feminist, because no one thinks that’s cute.
- Throw out all baggy clothing and replace with more form-fitting, feminine garments. But not too slutty, because you know…
- Try working on your ‘vocal fry’, or, at the very least, work on speaking in a softer, higher octave. No one wants their girls sounding TOO strong.
These are all things that will go a long way in making it appear that you are making an effort to get back out there and give this whole “walking the earth while being female” thing a go. Once you feel pretty again, there’s NOTHING you can’t do!
I mean other than jogging. Or walking down a street. Or going pretty much anywhere unattended. Or breathing without worrying about your sexual assault having a sequel (spoiler alert: sequels are never as good as the original).
Please keep in mind that you pretty much bring this shit on yourself.