Most “adventures” I’ve had in my life, (i.e. reckless, indiscriminate sex), have all happened organically.
And, by organically, I obviously mean while out behaving poorly at sweaty nightclubs or at house parties where much alcohol was consumed and I fell into the mouth of someone I probably wouldn’t have had I been sober.
But, early on in my life, I had a harder time knowing how to hook up with other women. I was just….REALLY bad at it.
With men, I pretty much had to show up with a vagina. It was generally that easy. This isn’t bragging, it’s just like that for many women who put themselves into scenarios where people want to get naked…i.e. sweaty nightclubs or debauchery-laden house parties. I wasn’t vetting life partners, I was “connecting with people”. Sure, let’s call it that.
But with women? I had NO idea how to go about this for quite a long time. I found that boobs didn’t particularly impress other women, and, as many women have since tried and failed with me, the usual ‘flirty bullshit’ batting of the eyelashes didn’t work the same when you were trying to get another woman’s attention. AT LEAST IT DIDN’T FOR ME.
I had no confidence, I was always half-convinced that I was going to flirt with someone who was just straight enough to lose their shit with me in an angry way and humiliate (or harm) me, and I felt like I stuck out like some sort of creepy imposter when I would hang out at lesbian bars.
Fortunately for my burgeoning Sapphic libido, the internet and the magic of chat rooms were becoming more and more diverse, accessible, and a viable option for someone who had literally zero game with women.
Wait…you mean I can advertise for human interaction in a similar manner that I would advertise a garage sale? The hell you say!
It wasn’t instant magic, though. I responded to a few F4F (female for female in case you’re just that unversed) ads, met for lunch with one (WHY lunch? This isn’t sexy…daylight isn’t sexy) and she brought me a flower – a bright pink gerbera daisy. I found that strange and adorable. I also found it painfully obvious she wasn’t the least bit attracted to me. That was disappointing.
Met another woman who smelled like wet bread. I don’t know how else to describe this, but I’ve always remembered her as smelling like wet bread. This was also disappointing.
After a few more awkward meetings like this, I grew discouraged. I was really hoping to meet a girl who, like me, wanted something super casual and sexual. I didn’t want a relationship, I wanted a playmate, dammit. I KNEW there had to be someone on the same page as I was.
One night, while drinking wine and perusing more girl-on-girl hook-up ads (honestly, what else would you call them?), and sifting through the ones that seemed more like a couple looking for a third party (yawn), an instant message came in from someone named CherrieGirl4U69.
Obviously, this was a spambot, because who on earth has a fucking screen name like CherrieGirl4U69…so I closed the window, and it popped back up.
“How are you tonight? I’m soooo bored.”
Yup, totally a spambot. Pretty soon she’d send a link to her “Sexy Cam Model Website” or some shit.
“Ok, I just saw that you were online, at least it looks like you are. Hit me up if you’re around, I’ll be sitting here sewing a costume for this thing I’m going to with my sister. You looked cool so I thought I’d say hi.”
This didn’t sound spambotty.
So I replied, and, low and behold…she was an actual live human. She and I chatted for a bit….hi, how are you, cool, yeah, weird, I live in Portland, too, where do you live? Oh yeah, I don’t really do the personal ad thing, either, but..
She sends a picture to my email address that was listed on my online profile. I hadn’t asked for one yet, we had chatted for all of 5 minutes, but…
Oh…strange, she looked familiar somehow…can’t place it, the lighting is weird in the picture, it’s half backlit, but I could tell she SEEMED like she might be my age, my build for the most part…could mostly see a big cheesy smile, which I found sort of adorable.
“So can I come over?”
This took me by surprise…I wasn’t expecting a courtship, really, but…wait, now?
“Well yeah, silly.”
Against my better judgment (which could easily be my epitaph), I said, “Uh….ok, sure.” And I gave this complete stranger my address. Because I wanted to get laid. Congratulations, I am a dude.
“Giggle. Ok, I will see you real soon!”
She typed giggle.
Alright, see you soon…
I showered, I primped, I tried on 5 different outfits and then admonished myself for acting like a dipshit and settled on my jeans shorts and a tank top. Then pitched that altogether and found something completely different to wear. And redid my hair. What the fuck is my problem?
The doorbell rings.
I start to freak out, reconsider my impulsive move, realize, no, dummy, you have a strange girl named CherrieGirl4U69 on your doorstep now. She’s probably not even the person in the picture, but rather an axe murder or my ex playing some kind of headgame with me.
I look through the peep hole…ok, yeah…that might be her.
Then this big silly smile appears DIRECTLY IN FRONT of the peep hole and she waves maniacally.
I open the door…
“HI!!!! I’M CHERRIE GIRL!”
Oh…what the fuck…
Standing in front of me…is me.
She was my height. My build. My general hair length and style…only strawberry blonde. And she was wearing pastels.
I was “goth” her.
She was “HAPPY MALIBU BARBIE OH MY GOD HI!” me.
And she waved again.
“Hi…and I’m Lisa. What’s your actual name?” I asked as she literally bounced past me into my living room.
“My name is Cherry, silly. Cherry like the berry! It’s even spelled like that. That’s what I have to live with! Sucks to be meeee!”
Of course her name was Cherry…
TO BE CONTINUED