I am feeling pretty discouraged by humanity today.
I hate that, as a woman, there are still times when I don’t trust rooms full of men. That, when I walk in, my hackles go up. That I think of the times I’ve walked down the street at night by myself and had literal packs of men threatening me. That I was told I was an idiot for being a woman walking alone at night. Anywhere.
I hate that I don’t trust men who are suppose to be “here to help us.” I hate that, if I was to be pulled over on an isolated road, that I would risk infuriating that cop because I would keep driving until I got to an exit with a well-lit gas station or restaurant.
I hate that I have friends who know the fear of being targeted by white men and women because they are not white themselves. That they worry every time their children leave the house because their children could easily be killed by a monster who disguises their hatred as fear for their safety.
I hate that they have to have different conversations with their children about how to stay ALIVE than I had with my children.
I get frustrated when people…
I guess I’ll just say, I get frustrated when people, not the lynch mob, but the folks who sit in a place where they want to see unity, and maybe they sympathize, but they cannot empathize because they haven’t felt any of it. They haven’t felt it and they never will. Not personally.
And it’s not because they’re bad people. In fact, often, it’s because they’re the opposite. Eternal optimists without the same pit in their stomach that I carry as someone who has walked away from abuse, walked away from sexual assault, and so on. Without the same innate worry some of my friends harbor that comes with being a person of color, without ever being on the receiving end of someone who thought you were less than human. Or worse.
I’m sad, and I’m angry right now to the point of tears. I read the comments that come from people who see non-white people as “other” and “lesser”. Who see them as something that should be scrubbed from their line of sight.
I read comments every day from men whose first instinct is to lash out at a woman for existing, to threaten to rape them to death, to threaten their children with the same.
Most days I sit in a place of optimism and I have faith in humanity, because I know so many good people. I see so many versions of the humanity we should have and believe in.
Today is not a day like that. Maybe tomorrow.