(Background) There’s some hoers in this house There’s some hoers in this house There’s some hoers in this house There’s some hoers in this house I’m a gardening freakSeven days a weekBig zucchiniMake your veggie game WEAK (ahhh) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some big zucchiniBring a bucket for this crop of … Continue reading Big Zucchini (WAP parody)
Author: L.L. Curtis
Steve, Pussy-Ass Bitch, and The Eyebrows
Years ago, I worked for a company as, among other things (so many hats), a transportation manager. That’s a very fancy way of saying I picked up a phone and scheduled trucks to pick up our shit and make it go away. I had started out there as sort of a generic office support person. … Continue reading Steve, Pussy-Ass Bitch, and The Eyebrows
To All The Men I’ve Shown the Door (song)
To all the men I’ve shown the door To all the dicks I’ve mocked before You couldn’t make cum And all your words were dumb To all the men I’ve shown the door To all the head I gave too soon From Mid-December to the month of June Wish I could take it back Your … Continue reading To All The Men I’ve Shown the Door (song)
What Do You Do For Money, Honey? PART 2
I'm going to start this off by saying yes, I know. I know I've made some decisions that really should have led to my demise years ago. The fact that I'm still upright and moving about the world (mostly) unencumbered by shit that, statistically, should have taken me out is something I marvel about. If not … Continue reading What Do You Do For Money, Honey? PART 2
Seinfeld, Christmas Parties, and Unsolicited Dick
A few years back, I made what ended up being one of the bigger mistakes of my life: Answering a "Help Wanted" ad on Craigslist with the heading: LOOKING FOR AN ADMINISTRATIVE ROCK STAR! I know, I know...if you've read any of my other stories, you'd think, "How could this possibly be one of the … Continue reading Seinfeld, Christmas Parties, and Unsolicited Dick
Strong Women, Weak Men, and Cyber Exploitation
I have tried to write this several times over last few days since the Katie Hill story broke. If you're not familiar with Hill, she's the newcomer congresswoman who recently resigned after her estranged, abusive husband released nude photos of her in a (successful) attempt to shame her and derail her career, i.e. she was … Continue reading Strong Women, Weak Men, and Cyber Exploitation
What Do You Do For Money, Honey? PART 1
I met a wild woman years ago, an amazing, eccentric goddess named Joan who fancied herself a "job collector." "I've had 47 jobs in my life," she declared one night over dinner, "it would KILL me to remember them all." She sipped from her wine glass, "Oh I'd rather not. Let's not, how dull. Though … Continue reading What Do You Do For Money, Honey? PART 1
Skin and Bones
"Well, you should be skin and bones at this point." My mother says this as she marvels at my activity around the house, in the yard, as she has many times since we moved her in with us last year. I am her child, but it's only recently that she's had the opportunity to actually … Continue reading Skin and Bones
Angel, Hard Lemonade, and the Angriest Rednecks
The scene is a familiar one, to me anyway: I'm leaving a party at a friends house in Hillsboro, Oregon with every intention of going home but my still "too-tipsy-on-shitty hard-lemonade-to-drive" ass got distracted by something shiny and ended up making questionable decisions that would absolutely for sure keep me off the "eligible to donate blood" list for a … Continue reading Angel, Hard Lemonade, and the Angriest Rednecks
Loving Men Who Kill Us
I was driving down the road yesterday, and out of nowhere, I had a visceral realization as to why women are obsessed with serial killers. It’s so simple, really: It's because the killers are men. Not monsters, not an enigma, not the stuff of make-believe. They are real men who we went to school with and had … Continue reading Loving Men Who Kill Us
