It was the weekend, and my friends and I had decided to meet at a dive bar called The Farm House, a dark, sticky feeling place that always somehow smelled more of stale cigarettes than the cigarettes that were currently being smoked by the patrons holding down bar stools. I was with a group of computer nerds … Continue reading Strip Poker and Spiders
Milky Vengeance: The Consequences of Pissing Off a Fat Lady
During the summer of 1994, I had three small children at home including my six month old son. I had gained approximately one metric ton during the pregnancy as my best friend, who was pregnant with her twins at the same time, and I would eat our way through the malls giving zero fucks. I … Continue reading Milky Vengeance: The Consequences of Pissing Off a Fat Lady
Speed Racer and My Abortion
When I was twenty years old, I made the incredibly shortsighted decision to marry the first man who was the exact opposite of the my previous serious boyfriend. Because when you're twenty years old and you have everything all figured out, that logic makes total and complete sense. I mean the previous guy, with whom I had a child with … Continue reading Speed Racer and My Abortion
Tapiola and the Big-Tittied Girlfriend
Junior high is truly a bizarre period of adolescent life, especially when it comes to all the crazy shit your body throws your way as you mature. When I was entering my teens, I was shaped somewhat like an overstuffed sausage, sporting rabbit teeth that I had not yet grown into, and the need to constantly have badly permed … Continue reading Tapiola and the Big-Tittied Girlfriend
Lindy
Her eyes twinkled as she squinted a smile my way, her grin calling attention to both her high cheek bones and the dimple in her chin. "I'm Lindy Drouin. Lindy Darlene if I'm in trouble. And I'm always in trouble!" she laughed and slapped my arm, "though never for the shit I should be."
Comedy, Cowboys, and Liver Damage
Becoming a stand-up comic is a weird fucking life-choice. In my case, it was mostly accidental that I ended up being paid to stand on a stage say the same stupid shit to drunk bar patrons and club-goers that I’d say if I was sitting on a barstool. A friend of mine had decided he … Continue reading Comedy, Cowboys, and Liver Damage
I Just Met Me Again, and I’m The Worst
I just met this woman. She's about my age, she's about my build. She's loud at times, brash, and clearly intelligent but not overtly trying to convince you of the fact. She doesn't need to. She's a writer. Her voice is unique to her and, at the same time, one I can relate to quite easily because it sounds a … Continue reading I Just Met Me Again, and I’m The Worst
Aftercare Instructions: The Day My Uterus Exploded
Sad Is The Man
Sad is the man. ...the man who realizes that he failed to work white male privilege into anything more genital-stimulating than a successful online gaming career. ...that he may have missed the whole point of having a wiener. What is the point of wiener anymore? What is life? He shakes his … Continue reading Sad Is The Man
Girl Food
The other day, while shopping, I noticed the sections of clothing for women and clothing for men and gave it a passing thought, wondering when we were going to end up just calling them "clothes". I've wondered this off and on since hearing comedian Eddie Izzard, when someone asked him about wearing women's clothing, respond with, "They're not … Continue reading Girl Food
